Here lies a few lines from my unpublished prose & poems collection "Psychotic Babblings". Some of the lines you'll see here were taken from the lyric poems of my favorite artists -bands, authors, singers, autistics, etc. By lines are present for such cases.


"the feast was great
i ate and ate
harvest of flesh hundred times was repeated
inside me a seed was laid
the plague within now consumes me
those i touch becomes hell like me
decay, our bodies and souls surely will
soon you'll follow, with your brain tightly sealed"


"dark knight, belongs to the dark night
but now as the dark looms so is the fright
a coward since that oriental time
can i ever embrace what i've become

will you cease slicing my mind like a knife
can i ever return to my old dark life"

--- temple of the dog [without permission]

"i don't mind stealing bread
from the mouths of decadence
but i can't feed on the powerless
when my cup's already overfilled
but it's on the table
the fire is cooking
and they're farming babies
while the slaves are working
the blood is on the table
and their mouths are choking
but i'm growing hungry"


"short mane...
late at night i feel the pain
of things i've lost yet have not gained
time and time i've let them pass
chances could have gambled with and grasped
but now in my head happens the death
of something destined to be great

nice smile...
each morning i think for a while
if you are venus' other child
or if you are the angel sent to earth
to make me perish with this infernal hate
washing it away by emptying bottles
instead i sink deeper, buried by gravel

now to you i cry for help
burn and melt this anger at myself
and here is a blade
slice my chest
spill the blood
that will show your face"

--- paula carreno [with permission]

In the depth of my chest
my heart lies there.
In the depth of my chest
my heart lies bare.
Why in the depth does my heart hurt so
Why do I feel the cold blood flow
When will it end
my heart cries tears
when will it stop
the endless fears
Why in the night does my heart bleed
It's only love that I want
It's all I need..."


"bubbles of wind dust her hair
she goes fast, gone to nowhere
a god pulls over
reaching down to ordain an angel
the sky turns red
it is no longer heaven
the devil fumes within his eyes
as the thunder rolls
an angel sleeps eternally
innocence lost...
wings bruised infernally"

--- chris cornell [without permission]

"Summer nights and long warm days
Are stolen as the cold moon falls
My mirror shows another face
Another place to hide it all

Sleeping with a fullmoon blanket
Sand and feathers as my head
Dreams have never been the answer
And dreams have never made my bed

Now I wanna fly above the storm
But you can't grow feathers in the rain
And the naked floor is cold as hell
This naked floor reminds me

If I should be short on words
And long on things to say
Could you crawl into my world
And take these words away
Should I be beside myself
And not even stay

And I've lost behind
The words I'll never find
And I'm left behind
As seasons roll on by"


"must have been a night..
long & cold, without the fight
love must not have been there
if it was, it had gone elsewhere
for i can no longer see it in their eyes
you just feel it in their sighs

on that night i came to be
of the dark i will be
only black i will see

it was one of those days..
hot & sunny, with all the rays
the gods' light was there
gone mad, like on a dare
forcing its way through these eyes
all that i can do was cry

on that day i came to thee
but the light had blinded me
only black i can see

just a slice of time..
cloudy & fine, ripe for a crime
nobody else was there
except the world, on a stare
but finding the focus of my eye
an eskimo flavored dye

that time had changed me
darkness had left me
only BLUE i can see

now. . . . . . . . . . .
only you i can see!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


"through the darkened clouds slowly i walked
an unseen flower i touched by the stalk
does she have the face that the tales did say
my heart doesn't care whatever my eyes upon may lay

the darkened clouds slowly i will set aside
trying to look for what is inside
does it have the heart that the tales did say
will it be a friend or will it say nay

beyond the darkened clouds i shall wait
for the gods & the fairies to seal my fate
does a chance come like the tales did say
or did the enchantress with me did just play"


from a toy luv i came about, i opened my eyes to da light
but it was not meant to be, da angel of darkness won da fight
countless hev tried to thrash dz world where i was born
it came to be known that islington's rule can't be torn

thousand of years passed and i was left alone
waiting for my turn at da mighty throne
every now and then da black angel would look down
checking to see if his ward was ready for da crown

wonder i did about da true nature of dz coveted gear
that my mentor has bled and lusted for oh so dear
how was i to know that it was da universe's own
when i was made to believe it was cast from my bone

with my only gift i joined islington's troop
wearing all black we stormed da gates of da mighty white roof
into da clouds we went looking for da blessed door
but no door was to be found only a ceiling and a floor

while to da sisters fate i posed thousands of questions
with anger as his sword dark teacher battled a vision
it came out from a portal that we didn't know existed
my blood heard yells though da haloed one barely whispered

madness consumed da dark one as he fell to da floor
lucent rays from above piercing through his blood armor
as da angel spoke, i felt my black soul taken away
for a drop of his tear, da angel said, a sea of blood ye will pay

i knelt there burning from da coldness of her touch
as da world drowned from a flood of pain she hatched
the angel looked at me, man of stinging stench and decay
she asked for my hand, whole of me trembling, i said nay

yer halo can't help me, i am beyond salvation i said
ye and that bright feathers of yers better leave me for dead
that light defined my darkness, instead of guiding me a path
ye are not speaking, it pointed out, but islington's wrath

she took da rest of my soul and showed me out of da clouds
i can only hev it again if and when my heart is found
but who has dz crimson jewel with which my soul is bound
i thought that i found her, but i lost her in da crowd"

* islington inspired by da book 'neverwhere' written by neil gaiman, creator of worlds & dreams....


"malayo na ang aking tinahak
pinagmulan ko'y di na tanaw
walang may alam ng aking balak
hintay lang na mundo'y magunaw

bagaman walang mukha, sya ay maganda

mga gabi'y sadyang kay haba
kausap mga anino sa dilim
siya'y tahimik at ayaw mag salita
mga wika'y may taglay na talim

bagaman hindi kita, sya ay maganda

sa isang kahon napaloob
usapan duo'y patay, walang kwenta
utak nila'y puro kulob
sadyang baog at walang laya

bagaman may gyera, ito'y maganda

magulo ang loob ng kahon
maskara at lokohan ang laman
hangga't nag apoy ang isang hamon
walang nakaalpas, lahat ay duguan

bagaman nasaktan, ito'y maganda

mula sa dagat ng pula at luha
isang lobo duon ay nagmula
taglay ang lakas ng salita
hangin nga kaya tulad ng sa bula?

bagaman naiiba, sadyang maganda

simula na ng digmaan
lobo, matalas mga pangil
tuloy pa rin ang tagisan
kelan nga kaya titigil?

bagaman magulo, sadyang maganda
anino ng lobo sa dilim kay ganda......"

*ewan 032699


"a bug arrived unnamed & untamed
busy as a bee, to dz world it came
not minding anything or anyone
working on its own sun up to sun down
yes it's a bug, will ye kill for that?

odd & true da bug remained
but others do hate what isn't same
mindless were everthing & everyone
they stared at it sun up to sun down
yes it's a bug, will ye kill for that?

unknown to da bug it is now a pest
which da normal did dislike & detest
all minds were set for that time
they will hunt from sun up to sun down
yes it's a bug, will ye kill for that?

blood drawn, da bug was lost
in its place is a pest just like most
its mind set on a single crime
hunt the different sun up to sun down
it is now a pest,
& yes,
yell kill for that...."


"years before, ye took me in
back then i knew what da words mean
took them by heart & earned a medal
li'l gold thing was more than metal

i dunno if ye knew that i was to go
thought i was right but what do i know
seeing her go was just too hard to take
blamed it on ye, ev'rything was yer make

now i wonder where that metal is
could i still wear & hold it with ease
maybe as heavy now as da world i created
where all are true & NO ONE hated

i thought that i could exist alone
away from ye & yer mighty throne
from thorns i made my own crown
in da flood of angst my soul drowned

now ye pick me up with arms divine
feeding me a heart & some wine
on yer side a beast of great size
blank faced, angel in disguise

da wolf to da moon, to ye i cry
my tears made up of a million lies
i know forever i will stay unpure
but of 1 thing now i am bleeding sure.......

in da dark yer halo always will glow
that into yer arms i can always go"


"little girl, little girl, where's yer knife
little girl, little girl, take away my life

little girl, little girl, make me bleed
little girl, little girl, da wounds i need

little girl, little girl, poke out my eyes
little girl, little girl, feed them to da mice

little girl, little girl, indeed dz is fun
little girl, little girl, 'til da world is gone"

* ye know who ye are...


"pulses come, into dz soulless box they flow
creating a hellish paradise where i can go
i emerse myself into its embrace of fire
waiting for da sound of da angel's lyre
noises come like hungry vultures to a prey
i feel nothing inside, silent it stays

what can i do but to da blank only stare
as it showers me with its thoughtless glare
along with da light, 80 faces look at me
da smiles are there but still i cannot see
their eyes i poke at hard & try to blind
they never even blink, giving me no mind

to da faces i talk, wanting them to respond
i shout, i curse, yet to their silence i drown
wait, wait, wait, i do, all day, all night
no whimpers, no whispers, not a movement so light
to hecate i ask hatred for da heads to spew
& i wonder if dz are da eyes of da storm i knew

them eyes, barely visible, just sit on them faces
looking so warm with a coldness that amazes
even da hardest heart i know them lips can melt
if only they'd move & profanities they should belt
where's da anger now that my mind once met
wish they'd show up now & save me from dz death

i know now dz would happen ev'rytime ye'll fly
da 80 faces will come out to stare at me till i die
of dz eternal boredom....i will surely die!!"


"tanghali na. dama ko na ang init ng araw, sumisirit ito mula sa bintana pa tungo sa aking mukha. tanghali na. puno na ng ingay ang paligid, tuloy tuloy ang pagkalunod ng aking isipan. pilit kong ibinabalik ang dilim at ang katahimikan ng gabing nakaraan. ngunit wala na ito, tanghali na.

tatayo ako at mag iinat. lalapit sa kahong mula pa sa hapon, bubuksan ito't mamimili ng istasyon. ganyan na ang panahon, maaari ka ng mamili, hindi tulad nuon na kung ano lang ang ibigay sa iyo. pangit ang mga tunog. dapat na yung mga bala ko na lang siguro. walang agam-agam ang aking desisyon, " soundgarden ", paborito ko ito. wala akong pakialam sa sasabihin at mga sinasabi ng iba. alam kong ayaw ng mga magulang ko sa kanila. ayos lang, hindi naman sila ang makikinig.

ano bang gagawin ngayong araw na ito. may dapat ba akong bilhin. wala pa naman, maaari pa akong tumanga, ayon nga sa kanila. may naitatabi pa naman ako sa lata kong lalagyan sa tabi ng aking buwaya. bantay sya dun, kasama nya si pigoy at yung ibang klaseng aso. tsaka hindi ko rin trip tumaggap ng trabaho. oo, tama, trabaho nga. hindi naman lahat ng nagtatrabaho ay gumugising ng maaga. tapos papasok ng opisina. uuwi sa hapon, makakarating ng bahay sa gabi. pagal na ang mga katawan. kinabukasan ganon uli. nabubuhay para magtrabaho. ako nagtatrabaho para mabuhay. marami pa akong pwedeng isulat tungkol dito. pero hindi ito tungkol sa inyo, tungkol ito sa akin, kaya tama na muna yan.

matagal na pala akong hindi na uuwi sa probinsya a. gayun paman hindi ko na ito hanap. bukod sa preskong hangin at sa bituin sa gabi, parang wala na akong uuwian duon. anduon pa rin ang mga kaibigan, pero wala na ang barkada. sa gabi na sila natutulog, at gaya ng dati, ako'y sa umaga pa rin.. maliit pa rin ang bahay namin, pero puno na ng kagamitan. kagamitang ginagamit at ng kagamitang hindi ginagamit. nadagdagan na rin ang aming sasakyan. ang dating payak na tahanan ngayon ay moderno't puno ng yaman. hindi ko na ito gusto, sa akin ay wala na itong ganda, bukod pa sa hindi na ito namementena. maliit nga lang ang kabahayan, pero parang sakop nitong ang buong bayan. saan man ako ma paruon parang nasaluob pa rin ako ng bahay. iba na ang mga tao, pero katulad pa rin ang mga salita. salita ng mga matatanda at ng mga mama. " ibang-iba ka na ". ako nga ba ang nag-iba? " magbago ka na, hindi ka bumabata ". bakit may bumabata ba? wala, pero maaari kang hindi tumanda.

madilim na. kahit hindi ako tumigin sa labas nadarama ko ang pagdating ng gabi. maaaring na sa dugo, pero malamang asa sistema na rin. mahaba na pala ang kwento, may naintindihan ka ba? ayos lang kung wala, hindi naman para sa iyo ito, para sa akin. tulad ng lahat pa ng aking mga gawain....., maliban sa mangilan-ngilan na inaalay ko sa mga tanging nilalang, mga tauhan sa aking palaruan.. nguni't pwede rin kitang pag alayan, mag babayad ka nga lamang. kailangan mo ba ng web peyg o ng program kaya? baka sakaling makatulong ako, sa murang halaga. kunti lang naman ang gastusin ko e. pang sidi, komiks, at aklat lang. minsan pang meryenda. bakit yun lang ang aking mga pangangailangan? . . . . . sabi nga nila " parang bata". ..

sige, paaalam. . . alam kong iiwan mo na ako. . . dahil sa gabi na.. . . . matulog ka na at baka tanghaliin ka pa."


"gabi nuon, tahimik, nagniningning ang mga bituin sa kalangitan. ilang araw ding nanatili ang gabi. puno ng saya at ng katuwaan. hindi mo maiisip na ito ay maglalaho. ngunit ganuon nga siguro ang buhay, lahat nagbabago. sana ay may magagawa ako para pigilan ito, ngunit, wala. wala ito sa aking mga kamay, wala ang kapangyarihan sa akin. ngayon, umaga na. rinig ang mga ingay ng sasakyan sa tabing bintana. nadyan na ang nagtitinda ng taho, ng pandesal, at ang taga rasyon ng pahayagan. maganda rin naman, ngunit sadyang hindi ako sanay. hanap ko pa rin gabing aking kinagisnan. umaga na. tuluyan na bang sisikat ang haring araw?

gabi nuon. ng una kong makagisnan ang kanyang kariktan. nababalot siya ng kadiliman, wala kang mababanaag kung hindi ang totoong siya. sa dilim mo lang talagang makikita kung ano ang maganda, kung alin ang sadyang tunay ang ningning. ganuon na lang sana. hindi sana pumanaw ang dilim na yaon. sana ay nanatili ito. ngunit ito ay nawala. unti unti itong kinakain ng umaga. umaga na. tuluyan na nga kayang lalamunin ng umaga ang ganda niya.

gabi nuon, hindi na ngayon. itatanong mo kung bakit hilig ko ang gabi, kung bakit lagi akong nasa dilim, at kung bakit ayaw ko sa umaga. mahirap yan sagutin, malalim ang aking mga kadahilanan, mga dahilang ako lang marahil ang makakaunawa. sa gabi, kapag walang anumang ilaw, walang anumang liwanag, wala kang makikita kung hindi ang katotohanan, pangit man ito o hindi. walang mga mukha, pawang mga anino lamang. hindi mo makikita kung sino ang mababait at kung sino ang mga halimaw, hindi mo makikita. ngunit matutukoy mo. dahil hindi lahat ng may pakpak ay anghel, hindi lahat ng may sungay ay nanunuwag. wala tayong magagawa. ang maling pananaw na yan ay dulot ng maraming bagay. . . . iyong mga magulang, ang de koryenteng kahon, mga artista, pelikula, ang iyong musika, maging ng magasing iyong binabasa. . . lahat ito luminang sa iyong kaisipan. ngunit higit sa lahat. . . . ito ay hatid ng liwanag. dahil sa liwanag luminaw ang iyong mga mata, ngunit ang mga mata mo, ibabaw lang ang nakikita. sadyang umaga na.......... tuluyan na kayang mabubulag ang iyong kaisipan."


"da night had faded
darkness had moved on
slowly light creeps in
eating da beauty i've known

da silence doesn't talk no more
gone is da sharpness of its tongue
it talks now just like before
no explosions, no hizz, no bang

da light now luvs me
i wake now to morning's face
can't help it, nuthin' can be done
fates be ill, faded is my grace
keep me off from.......
light's embrace"


"i don't care
if ye take me down
i don't care
if ye lemme drown
i don't care
just be with me
i don't care
or lemme be

feel my pain
as i drive it through
i am inside
and all over ye
cry all ye want
let da tears fall
as i eat ye up
and swallow ye whole

i don't care
all's just a trick
i don't care
ain't it thick
i don't care
if ye lick my kiss
i don't care
if ye drink my piss

bleed my heart
as i tear yer soul
make wild luv to me
as i lose control
feed me up
to da jaws of lust
take me higher
return my thrusts

i don't care
yer a fucking whore
i don't care
am a friggin' boar
i don't care
let's try it again
i don't care
baby, sex in chains

take a swim
in a pool of my blood
get branded now
by my burning rod
fallen angels
are nailed to da floor
to hell they scream
and crave for more

i don't care
or do i lie
i don't care
pls. make me cry
i don't care
that ye'll never know
i don't care
what in ye i saw

devour me
with words ye say
make me cum
all night, all day
then snatch me up
from da grasp of lust
ye wake me up
and ev'rything's lost"


"tuloy pa rin ang paglalakbay
ramdam ang katawang nangangamay
aking tangan ang palasong duguan
hubog ito sa talim ng kabulaanan

ito na marahil ang katugunan
sa mga masakit na katanungan
ng dahil sa paninibat sa dilim
naparatangang pusong kay itim

ngunit tama nga bang angkinin
mga lasong hindi sa iyo'y inumin
at paratangan ang may dala
na walang kwentang maninila

sa liwanag ng bathalang buwan
mabilis ang lobong lumilisan
tapos na rin ang kanyang panunuri
paghuhusgang sadyang kay dali

wala nang dilim, iba na ang ganda
anino ng lobo nabulag na ng umaga"


"they no longer bleed
i do
pearl clear blood drops
flowing to create the rivers of hell
i will forever burn and bathe"


"i stare at da ceiling
i beckon my friends to come out
aliens, demons, angels, shadows
i hear silent whispers
they are here, at last
ev'ryone extends an arm
pulling me to their side
we glare at each other
sending voices through da air
space hugs and kisses for me
usually they keep me warm
but not dz time, not tonight
instead i feel a cold chill
making my spine shiver
nothing they do can help
i've looked for all da reasons
reasons for dz snow storm
none, there is fucking NONE
am lost in yer mind"

--- yueivonne [with permission]

i wear black,
and blood,
all over my body,
what difference will it make?
when faces are all over here ...
all upon me ...
slicing my being ...
with their tongues as swords ...
as athame ...
with their hushes, sarcastic remarks,
hurting blade of discrimination!
an animal i was treated,
for i wear,
blood ...
colors ...essence(?)
which made me different among all.
chants growing ...
chants fading ...
mockings ...
overtaken by ...

There are a lot more of these in and out of me. You'll see them here next time, if ever I can get my brains into it. Also if I can find where I hid, wrote, or threw them.

|| Pathways To Murder ||
|| get branded || got branded ||
all new burns.. darn guestgear crashed on me

Last Updated November 21, 2000
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